The following is a personal story, told through poetry, of my relationship or lack of with my Father and how it all ended. It’s not a happy ending but it’s true and tells the story of absent parents and missed opportunies whilst touching on alcoholism and how it destroys lives. It’s from the heart and every day inspires me to be the best Dad I can be to my kids ❤
Dear Dad…..
You were never there for me when I was a lad,
Drinking and gambling, ducking and diving, cheating and skiving was your fad.
You never saw your Son grow to be a man, your preference was finding trouble and the bottom of another can.
Left me and Mam on our own you did, of you, we were well rid.
Time passed by, no letters, no calls, no visits, then one day you showed up at my door,
In terms of first impressions, Dad you were indeed poor.
To be fair to my Mam, she gave me a choice. Said see you I could but cut you loose I should,
The latter I chose when I saw the man you’d become, my Dad you were purely by blood.
Beg me for another chance you did not, on yer bike Dad I shouted, and off you did trot.
Years passed by Dad, your Son grew without you. No fatherly guidance, no bonding for us, dead to me you’d become and then came the news,
You’d gone and done it Dad, killed yourself on your beloved booze.
Not a tear for you did I shed, attend your funeral, never entered my head.
Well, Dad know this. Wherever you are now, I hope you found peace. You never saw the man I became, never saw me get married, never saw your beautiful Grandkids, you missed out on so much Dad, for you I pity and feel sad for your loss not mine.
Till we meet again old man, maybe then you can shine.
As I write this latest blog, I’ve been back at work exactly 3 months. My shared parental leave has sadly faded into a hazy memory of long fun filled summer days, now clouded out by cold dark days and nights and Nursery drops/pick ups, but the lasting bonds between me and my daughter, I hope, have been forged for a lifetime.
How would I describe my time off as a full time parent? bloody hard work. I do have a new found respect for parents though that perhaps, well no I know, I never had before. Amazing what perspective can do. I have even greater admiration and adulation for single parents knowing what a struggle it is with two of us to cope with the daily grind whilst being the best you can for your child.
So how does it feel returning to work after a four month absence? I can honestly say that I never gave it too much thought when I signed off in May as September seemed a long way off. However, the reality hit me hard when I walked back through the office doors in September.
The feeling of complete anxiety and realisation that you’re back in the rat-race is somewhat difficult to summarise in a few words. It’s not so much the never wanting to work again mindset, rather it’s comprehending that the life I’d just grown accustomed to had gone. As with any parent, your lifestyle is built around your child and their needs. It is also about having fun, breaking down barriers and making the most of your time together as highlighted in an earlier blog.
I know how parents, particularly mothers, must feel coming back after their maternity leave ends. It doesn’t matter how supportive or not your manager is, the transition is hard and there is little time to adjust. After only four months away I almost felt like a new member of staff, so I can only imagine what it must be like after a 12 month or longer period of absence. For me, as a Father, I didn’t feel there was much of a support network to plug into i.e. to share tips and advice which was a shame. It is my intention to try launch a support group with my employer in the New Year or at least float the idea.
Thanks for reading and please let me know about your experiences returning to work after maternity or parental leave good or bad.
As I write this, my latest post, my little girl is taking her early afternoon nap. So eight months into being a parent how has my life changed? I think the more appropriate thing to ask is how has my life not changed. Since I wrote my last blog time seems to have been moving at double speed. Needless to say, I am now one month into taking four months off work to look after my Daughter. Becoming a full time parent is no easy job and I have a massively new found respect for single parents. The key to success is finding a routine that works. I say this with a warning that kids are unpredictable and any routine can quickly go out the window if they want it to. As I write, my Daughter ‘slept through’ for the first time ever last night (a major parental milestone) so I was up early, changed, sorted out the cat and even managed a bit of light housework before she was stirring at 8:30am.
Daily schedules
I must admit that pre-parenthood I was one of those people that wondered what you would do with yourself at home for the day with a child. Well I know now that’s for sure. A typical day, without any classes, consists of:
AM: get up, make breakfast, play, wash and change, have milk and nap
When baby is sleeping is your only opportunity to do any housework including cleaning down the mess and chaos from the morning.
PM: get up, playtime, lunch, clean down and pick mum up from train station.
This is a perfect day with no other distraction, interruptions and assumes baby will sleep.
Baby led weaning (BLW)
My Wife and I decided that we would go down the BLW (basically letting your baby feed themselves) route as it offered so many benefits. However, this has not been an easy journey and we have constantly battled with family and others who think they know better. Stick to your guns and follow your own instincts is the best advice I could give any new parent. There’s a great article from a few years back here which sums up the BLW journey of a new parent. There’s a raft of information and support available online and plenty of books too. It is hard work though and not for the faint hearted. We are definitely seeing the benefits and thought it was worth a little pain for a lifetime gain.
Look no hands!
Great opportunity
I am very much enjoying being able to make the most of shared parental leave through my employer, whom I might add are more generous than most and offer enhanced Ts & Cs, which basically enabled me and my Wife to make the most of the opportunity. I still think that there is much more that could be done to support new parents to spend time with their children and covered this in my last blog in more detail. My Wife did struggle initially going back to work after 7 months with separation anxiety but after almost 4 weeks back, and going back to work 3 days a week, she is adapting to the change and we have found our own routine. I am a firm believer that children need both parents in their lives. Sadly my Father played no part in my childhood, instead choosing a life of ducking an diving and eventually taking his own life through alcohol. That’s another story though. I do feel sorry for him that he never got to know his beautiful Granddaughter but all I can do is make sure I am there for her always and never let her down like my Dad did me.
Baby groups
Anyway, it was all a bit of a culture shock when I first walked into the baby groups as the only Dad on the group. I am so pleased to say that I was made to feel very welcome and this has not had any impact on our enjoyment of the classes. I was very nervous and apprehensive about going along to Rhythm Time for the first time and really had to take myself out of my personal comfort zone but seeing that little smile helps give one perspective. I had heard rumours and read from other Dads that some of these groups were not very male friendly but thankfully this has not been my experience. We’ve since bought her a raft of musical instruments and she loves playing with these and claps on demand.
Musician in the making
Splasher
One thing I was really keen on from as young an age as possible was that my Daughter learned to swim. She has now almost completed her first term at Puddle Ducks and is making excellent progress. We are having our first ‘family holiday’ soon to Center Parcs and feel really confident about taking her in the pool. She’s a natural and we all really enjoy swimming as a family activity. I think it’s really important to have a family day where you’re all involved in some way. We rotate who takes her in the pool every week.
Progress
Every single day is a new challenge and experience and equally hard work. I wouldn’t change it for the world though. As if by magic she’s just starting to stir as I hit the publish blog post.
As I write this, my latest blog, my little girl is now just over 5 months old and I am well and truly blessed. Some of my pre-parental anxieties remain and I really should have got around to writing a few more blogs about being a parent but time is no longer a luxury afforded me. As any parent will tell you, bringing up a baby is very hard work. However, no matter how hard it gets, no matter how many sleepless nights you have or trips to the hospital out of hours, you wouldn’t change them for the world and the first year of your child’s life is truly a magical time with many special memories.
Rosie and Sleepy Sheep
Anyway, this leads me to the reason for my latest post which is to pen a few words about taking shared parental leave which was introduced by the UK Government in April 2015. The purpose of which is to allow both parents to split and share what has always been historically maternity leave afforded to one parent – usually the Mother. Well times have most definitely changed (for the better) and now thanks to these changes I, as a Father, also get to spend some much needed quality time with my Daughter and not just the standard 2 weeks Paternity Leave – which by the way was not a break in any shape or form I can tell you, especially as we spent half of it in Hospital whilst my Wife recovered from a C-Section.
On Paternity Leave it’s worth pointing out here that on average, OECD countries offer eight weeks of paid paternity and paid parental leave that can be taken only by the father. Korea offers a staggering 53 weeks, Japan 52 weeks, France 28 weeks, and Norway and Sweden 10 weeks. The UK currently offers two. This was highlighted in the OECD’s own report –Parental leave: Where are the fathers? Clearly, the UK lags significantly behind its partners on this, setting aside the US who offer nothing. The report is certainly an eye-opener!
Thankfully my employer offers enhanced SPL Ts & Cs for its employees. As such I get to take 3 invaluable months off work on full pay to look after my Daughter when my Wife returns to work part-time, which she does at the beginning of May.
Once she returns to work this thereby ends her Maternity Leave early which kick starts the SPL – this is a rule of taking SPL. So whilst I am really grateful that I get to spend such quality time with the little one, it’s also really important to note that it makes me feel almost guilty that my Wife has to return to work and away from our little precious. The saving grace here is that she’ll be with her Daddy and we can avoid Nursery that little bit longer. There are of course pros and cons to Nursery care and some interesting reading online. I should note here that I’m not against putting our child into Nursery as I believe there are many benefits to doing so, but I do feel there are equal or greater benefits to our child spending as much time as possible with her parents but appreciate that in reality for most people this is simply not an option.
So why doesn’t my Wife just take the full 12 months off? well just that little trivial matter of money and bills to pay. My Wife gets paid for 6 months in full then goes on to stat MAT where as I get 9 months full, thereby she ends her MAT at 6 months and I start the SPL. Yes, you’re quite right, that takes us to 9 months. However, with a bit of jiggery pokery with our leave and flexibility from our respective employers we’ve been able to make it all work somewhat and stretch it out to around 11 months off between us on full pay.
Whilst obviously wishing we both could be off for much longer we are happy that we do get to spend the majority of our daughters first year with her before the onset of placing her in to Nursery – which is a whole new headache I will blog about later. Again, luckily for us this will only be a day a week as we have family available to help.
I do agree that whilst there has been excellent progress on introducing SPL [in the UK] to allow flexibility and reflect the ever changing diversity of a modern workforce, further improvements can most definitely be made. Richard Branson for example offers 12 months full pay for Virgin employees.
Anyway, I am very much looking forward to Summer 2016 and will be sure to blog about my experiences as a full time Dad/House Husband for 4 months.
I thought I’d end this post with a few, very wise, words of wisdom from Mr Branson.
“If you take care of your employees, they will take care of your business. As a father and now a granddad to three wonderful grandchildren, I know how magical the first year of a child’s life is but also how much hard work it takes. I’m delighted that we can offer this support to our staff so that they can enjoy parental leave to the full as we continue our work in changing business for good.”
As I wrote this, my latest blog, in just under a week I will be a Dad. See my earlier blog to read about some of the anxieties I have about this. This time the dilemma is somewhat different, albeit still parentally focused – a theme that no doubt will reoccur in subsequent blogs to come.
How does one choose a name for their child?
Any parent no doubt will sympathise with this age-old conundrum. Where to begin?
It’s not easy this parenting thing you know. Before the baby even arrives you are making long term decisions about their lives.
Well as with most things you need to start with basics. Boy or Girl. Again this is not easy as not everyone wants to know the sex of their child. We did and due to the miracles of modern technology, and a more relaxed approach of the NHS, found out we were having a girl. Side note: people who decide not to know have double the pressure as they need male and female names up their sleeves, not to mention the whole other issue of neutrality i.e nursery, clothing etc (another blog perhaps).
So having the sex is a baseline. It doesn’t get easier. Do you opt for a traditional or new school? Do you retain family links? Do you try to be different?
The WWW offers little comfort. We spent hour after hour trawling various sites, like the ones above, and if anything we just ended up more confused than ever as our shortlist spiralled.
What to do? I can offer no solution here I am afraid. Ultimately it is trial and error. We looked through the books, sound boarded family and friends, researched until our heads hurt.
My advice (the Web does have some useful tips) is to find some common ground with your significant other first and foremost. Once you have this buy-in you can progress at least. Trust your gut instinct, you will probably find you generally have similar tastes, if not good luck. You will have some bizarre conversations such as what nicknames other kids could make up, will the name hinder their career prospects, the possibilities are endless and you could go a bit mad over thinking.
Shortlist, shortlist and shortlist. Keep your options low. We finally settled on our two favourite names (message me if you want to know – a good test to see who actually reads my blog).
For middle names apply the above process and fear not. Your child may change their name when they are old enough 😊
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